Update on us 8/20/12

21 Aug

I know I can’t be the only one who wonders when ‘that next bad thing’ will happen again.  Sadly, I think this is normal.  We are human.  We naturally struggle with trust.  With our faith.

My daily vision of this miracle in my husband, his life, his breath, still has me doubting at times.  I am guilty of not trusting the very One who healed and answered not only my prayers, but those of many others.   I catch myself trying to plan and control those parts of my life, my children’s lives.  Like He needs my help and won’t do a good enough job.

I have no rights in any of the planning and as I know first-hand: absolutely no control.

This reminder should make me happy.  It should take all the worry and fret away and I should rest easy.  Thus, I should pleasantly place all that I hold dear into His hands.

But, let’s be honest.  We all fear that phone call.  We all think about the what-ifs, the harder times in life.  How we would deal.  I’ve had the nauseous feeling in parts of my stomach, the kind you fight so hard to keep down.  That sinking feeling of despair was at one time, a close friend.

Even though ‘our story’ seems to play a happy ending, I sure don’t want to be the first to sign up for something like that again.  No thanks.

But, I’m afraid the Lord is going to ask me again.  My family again.

It’s sometimes a daily struggle for me to place my kid’s, my husband, my other family, in His hands.  That He has their best interests in mind.  That He’s going to keep them safe.

I never used to struggle with this.  But, now I do.  I don’t like living in this fear.  It’s hard for me when I’ve seen so closely how fragile life is, how quickly it can change.  And what if He does want us to walk a road I’m not particularly fond of?  What happens then?  What happens when the story doesn’t end with miracles?  Would my faith survive that as well?

It’s been two years for us.  Two years.

Somehow everything still revolves around pre-accident and post-accident.  And I’m not sure that will change.  Every time I see his scars, I am reminded.  Every time I see him struggle getting dressed, or tie his shoes, I am reminded.  Every time he almost trips and falls, and sometimes does come crashing down the stairs, I am reminded.

All of that pales in comparison to when I look at his daughter.  The one he shouldn’t have had.  It’s in those quiet times I have with her that I am reminded yet again.  And that reminder is pretty huge:  life is a gift, both this life on earth and the one I get to have with Jesus one day very soon.  I truly have nothing to worry about!

Miracle of the day:

For a brief moment (mere seconds) Graham saw SINGLE objects!!  It came and went so quickly, but he did in fact see just one, rather than two.  This hasn’t happened since before his accident and he was amazed….his exact words to me were… “I had forgotten what it was like to see like that.”  He is back to seeing two, but I’m hoping it continues.  He is too!

Humor of the day:

I am knee deep here in diapers, laundry, wiping up crumbs, feedings, oh and lots and lots of this stuff!!!!

     She JUST missed the burp cloth too!!! (Go figure)

                                                                                        I wouldn’t trade it for the world!

thank you for joining in this journey with us.



6 Responses to “Update on us 8/20/12”

  1. Jackie August 21, 2012 at 1:52 am #

    You make me laugh, cry, feel, see truth and love, all at the same time. What an amazing beautiful vessel of God you are. Thank you for blessing me.

  2. Martha Hidalgo August 21, 2012 at 2:29 am #

    What a beautifully honest post, I was so moved Randi. Besides the precious little girl you have been blessed with, God has poured His grace into your heart and you have grown so much spiritually. Sharing as you do reveals this, you have no idea how many will be touched by your words as they so reveal your freedom in Christ. When you love and trust God it allows you to share your heart openly about the doubts and fears as you also acknowledge His sovereignty. David did this in the psalms:). Bless you.

  3. Brenda Rife August 21, 2012 at 10:17 am #

    I have been reading your journey since your husbands accident. It is truly amazing! Thank you for continuing to share your lives with others. You are truly inspiring. Praying unceasingly for you all. Your family is gorgeous by the way!!!

  4. Cindy Baker August 21, 2012 at 12:51 pm #

    Randi, thank you once again for sharing from your heart. It helps me know how to pray in a more specific way for you and Graham. I love Fallon’s smile even through the spit up she still is happy. You guys are always in my thoughts. Cindy

  5. L Lawrence August 21, 2012 at 1:39 pm #

    Oh Graham and Randi what a gorgeous little girl you have — burps and all!!!

    Randi you said so clearly how I have felt so many times since Joshua’s accident. I remember telling Dennis somewhere in the months before May 2003 that our life together was perfect. Who could ask for better children…honoring God…..doing what was good for themselves. Dennis were doing so well. He had just gotten a job at the Power Authority which meant insurance through him, I wasn’t forced to work although I did and enjoyed my job. Life was perfect and then it CRASHED. I must admit I still have those fears…now that life is so good again. I fear if I think it is too good that God “will do something” but that isn’t Who our God is….it is me….all me. SO, to help me through those doubts and feeling that inevitably “something is going to happen” I pray that each day I allow God to prepare me for WHATEVER He has in store for me. Perhaps nothing as devastating as Joshua’s accident will ever happen to our family again BUT if it does God will have grown me even more to face it His way! So I am praying for you….His strength, His peace, His will and His way.

    We love hearing from you … knowing it is a tough road but loving the faith you exhibit!!!

    Laureen Lawrence

  6. Gail Stimson October 15, 2012 at 12:04 pm #

    Randi, these things you write about will ease with the passing of time. Just as with the death of a loved one…the pain of the loss, the heartache, doesn’t go away, it just eases up some. This too will ease up some. I used to sit as still as a statue, waiting for the phone to ring, if the schedule ever veered from the normal…the phone ringing is how I got my bad news. It took me years and years of conscious, willing myself to relax and just breathe before I quit waiting like that. I had to will myself to praying constantly…stopping the prayers that reminded God that I am just dust and that i didn’t need or want another tragedy…putting my faith in His love and care for me and those I cherish. This is one of those things I will always have to revisit as I continue to walk through life…I imagine you will too. Having my children see my fear and struggle was one big life changer for me. I didn’t want them growing up copying my behavior. I wanted them to learn that when life gets hard and painful, the only place to rest is in Him…run to Him, embrace Him with all you’ve got left, place the fear and pain at His feet. You will find rest and the strength to face it again if tragedy revisits you. My heart is with you, dear one…

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