I’ve been quiet on here lately and while I’d love to think its silence is on purpose, it’s more that life marches on and sometimes the weeks fly faster than those birds overhead of me, the ones I oftentimes don’t notice anymore.
Lately I’ve been forced to slow my movements, my body unable to keep up with all that’s spinning around it as it prepares for that big arrival of life.
These days, I’m simply waiting for someone special.
Someone I’ve known now for quite some time; yet struggle to put a face on him, or her. My thoughts swim of exactly who you’re going to be while at the same time you dance through the night, pushing my body to its limit, my hands to the antacid tablets time and time again. But finally for me, this wait is almost over. And I must admit it’s bittersweet.
I’ve struggled with so much this time around—guilt from not even wanting you some days, crying and sobbing over spilled milk, and the reality that I’m going to be a mom to a brand new ‘you’, sleepless nights guaranteed.
You don’t make me glow. You don’t bring out my best on most days and you’re great at getting what you want. I know I’m in for it! Yet, I’ve fought hard for you. I’ve done my best to enjoy you here in this quiet before you appear, before everyone else gets a good look at you. I’ve done my best to accept my body and the way it treats you more as a parasite, me this helpless host holding you for just a time, vomiting and fighting the place you call home the entire 9 months.
Yet months after feeling not ready, months of battling myself and God and my husband and all others within reach….
I still don’t feel ready.
I’m still not sure how I’m going to do this with four little ones all under the age of six.
I’ve read the articles. I’ve giggled at other mother’s stories and challenges, their life with kids, the way they feel defeated more times than not. The way they try to see the humor, try to put their faith and trust in God, pray, stay consistent, laugh, cry, scream and desperately lasso in their thoughts time and time again as they struggle with the images of themselves doing something harmful to their precious little ones.
There’s always the same conclusion to all the articles I’ve read, God-centered or not: being a mom is the toughest job there is, and you’re never quite ready for it.
And yet, so many sign up for it—me included. And not just once, but twice, three times, four, or more!
I will continue to struggle with all the same feelings young mom’s get. I will continue to struggle with accepting my role as something of importance, something priceless, exhilarating, high-paying, meaningful, and well worth it all the time, everyday, 24/7.
It just doesn’t work like that.
But what does work, is the fact that these little varmints Graham and I are raising day in and day out were picked special for us. And we for them. No one can do the job of raising our kids quite like Graham and I, because for now, this is where the Lord has us. These little souls depend on us to show them the Way. So, for now it’s completely okay that I’m just ‘doing the mom thing,’ because in reality, it’s SO much more than ‘just a mom thing’.
Whether we’re ready or not, we welcome you little one into our fold; we embrace the fact that it IS going to be tough. The toughest yet. But don’t worry, there will still be lots of laughter over and around you, indescribable blessings because of you, the miracle of life in you and in the story God has created in our family. And above all else…
Love….for you! We can’t wait to meet you!